Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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