Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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