i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I looked at my own cervix.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
