when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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