She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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