You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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