I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
