can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
