He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
