Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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