I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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