She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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