What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
