hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
