take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
