btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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