Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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