Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
