so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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