if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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