he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
