he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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