If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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