i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
