Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dear god my vagina.
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