Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize