alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
