More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
