mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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