There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize