Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
