Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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