need another drink. this is the easiest way
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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