I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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