dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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