omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
