Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize