At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
