Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
