I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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