can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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