My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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