i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it was like eating out sand paper
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
