She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he was CRYING into my vagina
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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