I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
