well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
