i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
