Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
