so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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