i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
