every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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