Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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