At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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