My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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