you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
