Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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