dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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