It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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