i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
