And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
